35 Hilariously Funny Jokes Make You Burst Into Laughter

  • Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

  • I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

  • I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

  • My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

  • I’m so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.

  • My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.

  • Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.

  • A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says “They’re right behind you!”

  • The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

  • Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.

  • When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.

  • My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange” I said: “No it doesn’t”

  • What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.

  • What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.

  • My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

  • I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

  • Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

  • I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.

  • What dya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.

  • A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

  • I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

  • What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

  • Did you hear about the italian chef that died? He pasta way.

  • Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired!

  • Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

  • My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

  • Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.

  • When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?

  • As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.

  • How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.

  • And the lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life”. John came fifth and won a toaster.

  • What did the traffic light say to the car? Don’t look! I’m about to change.

  • I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!

  • What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

  • Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.


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